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Thursday, April 17, 2008 : I AM PATHETIC
yes.
that's right! no. your eyes are not playing tricks on you. I AM SERIOUSLY PATHETIC. all of the sudden, I feel that I am trying so hard to fit in like, everywhere. but seriously, I think I'm, trying just too hard. cos I don't think I can fit in anywhere. I tried to please people around me. but, I failed. I tried to make people like me. but, I failed. I tried to find a friend, to listen to my cock-and-bull. but, I failed. now, don't get me wrong. the friends that I have. they are really great. no complaints here. but, I don't know. something is just uncomfortably wrong. I'm just neither here, nor there. it's like I don't have a place where I belong. just no sense of belonging. yes, it does sounds unfair towards my friends. but that's just how I feel. I'm constantly afraid that people are out to lie to me. but at the same time, I am willing to believe what they say. it's like everything is in grey matter. there is no such thing as black & white anymore. people tend to have hidden agendas now, & they just don't wish to say truly, how they feel. especially to one another, like certain things that ticks them off. what ever happens to honesty? did it died along with man's chivalry? & others that I've no idea of. you know it's like a sense of paranoidal hitting me in full force. which makes all the logic in me goes haywire. all of the sudden, I feel that I'm kinda putting much pressure in myself. be it in pleasing people or being likeable. I think there is, some serious damage in me. damage like, my attitude, outlook in things, way that I talk or, just me, plainly. guess when people realize, it's just simply, low-self esteem, or low-self confidence. --- I know there is no such things like BFF. cos I know for one that, friendship that bond, it does break easily if you really want it. perfect example. Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie. claim(ed) BFF. Now, pretend they don't know each other. but, we don't know it's for real or not. they could be frenimes (friends in private, enemies for show) but is it truly that hard to find, someone that can, take your BS, your whines & happy stuff. no, I am not talking about boyfriends. or your other half. I'm talking about someone, like a friend. a true friend. that is whenever you are in deep shit, they will give you all their attention. and of cos, without hating, over jealous, backstabbing at each other. haha, I know. I am seriously a demanding arse-hole. well, I am a human. & I am a greedy bitch. but it wouldn't hurt to think if, all these are possible. wouldn't it? all I can conclude is that, life is seriously a bitch. don't ya think so? --- just think about the possibilities, the probability, and those I've said about myself. just ponder over. =)
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